Why I keep making the same mistakes after telling myself "never again"
It's late, you've just done the exact same thing again. You tell yourself "never again", and right then you really mean it.
You're in bed, or standing at the sink. You replay it: what you said, the yes that slipped out on its own, what you let slide once more. So you make yourself the promise, in the firmest words you have. Honestly, it moves me, that promise. Then your chest loosens and your breath comes back.
That relief is the relief of someone who has fixed the problem. Except the promise was made in the dark, alone, and the scene comes back on Thursday, in daylight, with someone in front of you and three seconds to answer. Nothing is ready then. You make the same move, and you add a shame on top: the shame of having known. Each round, you believe yourself a little less.
The promise was made in the dark, and the scene comes back in daylight.
I was wondering…
Who would you have to tell, if saying it to yourself in the dark stopped being enough?